I miss myself.

TRIGGER WARNING: SOCIAL ANXIETY, ANXIETY

Sometimes in the midst of a depressive episode, or a panic attack I think to myself "how did I get here? what happened to the old Nandi?" I've always been someone that laughs at everything, especially when I'm not supposed to. I'd have to hold my laughter in during class, and sometimes I'd have a random burst of laughter that would make me feel embarrassed in front of everyone. I was always fun, crazy and light hearted. It was easy for me to make friends. Although I was always shy at first, it would take me about an hour to do something funny or peculiar and become close to someone. I was always open about everything, mental health, sexual stuff, societal issues, none of that phased me. I didn't care about the stigma, because I thought it should be normal to talk about all that stuff, and I figured if someone thought I was being weird or they didn't want to be close to me because of it, then they weren't someone I'd want to be friends with. My best friend Shreyas would always get "mad" at me for telling him TMI, but I know deep down he misses my TMI. Everyone would always say I was chill, and nonchalant, that they felt like they could come to me about anything and that I was somewhat non judgmental. Senior year I would host people at my house every weekend, and everyone appreciated me for that. I didn't care about stupid things like if someone was failing a class or if they didn't get a good score or something, because I myself wasn't perfect at school. But somewhere along the way all of that disappeared. I am no longer that person. People no longer see me as who I used to be. I've somehow become this person that embodies depression or so I feel like I have. People don't come to me to talk about things anymore. I can't remember the last time I truly and genuinely laughed at something and I always find myself struggling to talk to people.

I believe this feeling of being lost and of not knowing who I was anymore started sometime in college, when I was suddenly hit in the face with the responsibility of my entire future. I was struggling to stay focused, and I struggled to not compare myself to others. I was always comparing myself to my accomplished boyfriend, that seemed to be doing everything that I couldn't. I got sucked into this business school culture that made me feel less than for not accomplishing things fast enough. I felt like I was getting rejected by everything and everyone. Around the same time I was struggling socially. I didn't feel like I was connecting with my friend circle. My priorities had shifted a bit and I was starting to get irritated by everyone, and felt like I couldn't branch out. Going to a state school, it seemed like everyone knew everyone somehow, and that there was always some tea about someone that would come through. It also felt like the moment someone in our friend group became friends with someone then everyone would have to. I just could not handle it. I wanted to go back to senior year with all the people I felt close with and have no worries, but I was stuck in this reality. I felt out of place and I wanted to meet more people with the same priorities as me.

Everything only got worse when the pandemic hit. It felt like everything was falling apart. I couldn't hangout with people. I relied on social interactions for my mental health, I would rarely be at home or in my dorm room throughout college and high school because I liked to surround myself with people. Suddenly when that was taken away, everything turned to shit. My friends and I would constantly get into arguments about what was safe and what was not. I was drifting from some of my friends. I was resenting some of them for their actions and behavior during the pandemic. Things got truly worse when my best friend of about 4 years dropped me. She said that she felt like I was always judging her, and that I always thought I was superior. She ended it all in one night with a long text that more or less said that I was toxic. I couldn't fathom what had just happened. I thought to myself, if my best friend had thought of me this way then how many more people thought of me like this? Was I just lying to myself in thinking that I was someone that people could just come to, someone that people saw as chill? This was the nail in the coffin. I didn't know who I was anymore. Despite all my other friends and family telling that this wasn't the case, I could only blame myself for making her feel that way. She wanted to restart her life, and she needed to do it without me, and that had to be my fault.

As the pandemic got worse after the summer, it seemed like everyone was continuing to be irresponsible despite the surge in cases. I couldn't help but be angry and judgmental over this. I felt bad for always judging people, I didn't want to do this. I wish I could just let it go, and not focus on it, but it made me too mad. I felt more alone now. Like I was always being the bad guy for judging everyone for what they were doing. I wanted to distance myself from some of my friends because I was disappointed in them. How could they just be doing whatever they wanted while people were dying? My circle got even smaller as I distanced myself and got caught up in my anxiety and anger.

I tried to gain control by joining clubs and even joining a sorority. I successfully started my own club and I'm even in the process of starting another one. I joined 2 other professional clubs, and a national service sorority and met many people and got close to a few people. My big, Nehal, has helped me through this and has been so understanding and I've never been more grateful to have met her. Sorry I'm so bad at replying Nehal :(. But It wasn't easy for me to make friends anymore. I had all this social anxiety. I became terrible at replying to people. I got scared to reach out to people. Some times I'd be too drained. I wanted to just stick to the 2 people I always talked to, everything else made me too anxious. I was too scared about what others thought of me. I was afraid to talk to my own friends too, I was afraid of what they thought. Did they think I was judging them? Was I toxic? I was always afraid and anxious. I got insecure in my own relationship too, scared that my boyfriend would leave me or that I would mess things up. I was scared that all my friends would just drop me, and that I was always messing everything up. I was afraid they all agreed with the friend that dropped me. So my circle became smaller and smaller. It was hard for me to reach out to sisters in my sorority and make new friends and reach out to people in my clubs. I couldn't network to get ahead in my internship search, because of my crippling social anxiety. I was afraid I would mess up the interaction and screw up my chances of succeeding. Every time I messed up an assignment, conversation, or networking opportunity I'd fall down this spiral of anxiety about what everyone thought of me and if I'd be successful or not. I just wanted to go back to who I was, who I was before all of this.

But I came to realize that, although losing my best friend hurt so much. It was probably for the better. After speaking to my therapist, and hearing my friends out it came to my attention that she was only projecting her own insecurities on to me. There wasn't anymore that I could do. I did all that I could, I gave her my full support and love. She couldn't be there for me in a time that I needed her most, and it was easier for her to cut me off than to actually solve any issue that we had. I am who I am, when I love someone I give them my all. Everything that I am going through is happening for a reason and it is forming me into the person I am supposed to be. One day, I will heal from all of this. One day my social anxiety will ease up a little, and I'll be able to reach out to the wonderful network of sisters that I have that have already been there for me despite not being the closest. I have a super supportive and nice friend group that always checks up on me and cares about me deeply, and I don't need anyone else.

Yes I do miss who I used to be. But I know I'll be that person again but with a lot more perspective and a lot more grown. One day I will laugh like I used to, I'll be the person that anyone can come to. I'll be that person again. But until then I just have to trust the process and work hard to get to somewhere that I want to be. I'm working hard now. I've worked on regulating my sleep schedule, catching up on school work, reaching out to people, and getting back on track career wise. In the end I have to trust that things will be alright, I have to trust that all these experiences will form me into someone great, but I have to face reality in order to do that. If I don't try nothing will happen, I have to give it my all. I can't wish to go back to a time with no worries. If I can go back to being that person with a million obstacles in my way and still succeed that will mean so much more.

Finally, I'm so grateful for my support group and friends that always remind me that I am more than my mental health struggles and that continue to check up on me and be there for me.