2021 Takeaways

Ten months ago, I wrote a blog post called "I miss myself." Today, I think I can say I am finally on track to finding myself again. A year ago or even six months ago, I don't think I would have ever imagined myself being where I am right now. Over the past year, I have learned so much about myself and others, and I continue to learn more every day. I wanted to share my key takeaways from this past year:

In the past ten months, the biggest lesson I have learned is that you can't change anyone or expect anyone to be who you want them to be. And I don't mean this maliciously. Everyone is the way they are due to their life experiences and upbringing. I spent a year resenting my old friends and my current friends for how they acted during a pivotal part of my life. But it is unfair to them and me for me to hold a grudge. All that anger and resentment created a massive obstacle in my recovery. I am caring, intelligent, selfless, confident, and determined. Every day, I try to be a better person and try and fix my mistakes. This is something in my control; I can change myself, work on being a better person, take accountability for my actions, and only expect more of myself. It took me a long time, but I finally understand that I can't have expectations for others and change them. If you find yourself with unreasonable expectations and keep going to the person for something you know they can't give you, it's time to examine your thoughts. At a certain point, you have to choose yourself and make changes for yourself to be happy. Stop going to the hardware store for milk; if you know what value or lack of value a person contributes to your life, don't keep going back to them. Maya Angelou said, "People know themselves much better than you do. That's why it's important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are." It's easy to believe that you know what's best for someone else and their life, but that's just not the truth. The reality is that the other person knows what's best for them and will act in accordance with their desires, regardless of how you feel. They'll make their own decisions about their own life, just as you do the same in yours. I know it can be painful to watch, especially if you think you know what's best for them, but don't worry — they've made it this far in life on their own. Sometimes, the best course of action is to remove yourself from a person or situation, and if it's not that easy, you can make changes. Instead of focusing on that person, you can focus on being a better person or making them acquaintances instead of friends. I can't say I have entirely made this transition yet, but I'm learning to accept this more and more each day. I've been trying to figure out why I wanted to get milk from the hardware store and have become so much more self-aware. Focusing on my growth and meeting new people who align with my values and morals has made me a better person for myself and others, and I feel freer.

The second takeaway is the importance of therapy. Through therapy, I was able to come to these realizations and work on loving myself and appreciating myself. I'm forever grateful to the people that were there for my rants and there to comfort me, but there is only so much they could do. Going to therapy once a week has significantly changed the way I see myself and others, interact with others, deal with my anxiety and happiness. Via therapy, I understood that the events of the past year affected me so much because of the lack of stability in my life. I went from being an only child to having a brother, then moving to a new country, moving back, moving to another country, moving back again, going to college, and then the pandemic. Then finally, losing a friend, a stable part of my life for so long unexpectedly, caused my mind to go into panic mode and triggered my need for stability which led to my depression and anxiety. Earlier this semester, I had one final conversation with that friend that I had fallen out with. I expected that conversation to give me some type of closure. But it didn't, and in fact, closure doesn't exist. I thought speaking to her would allow me to get my life back on track. However, it was therapy and the breakthrough that realized my need for stability that finally allowed me to gain clarity. Since then, I have made so much progress in my recovery and have encouraged everyone to go to therapy. I don't think you need to have a mental illness to go to therapy. I mean, all of us go to the dentist twice a year and get physicals once a year to take care of our health. Our mental health needs to be in check as well. The effects of therapy last a very long time; you're able to learn coping mechanisms and lessons that will help you your entire life. I know many people that push their emotions down or ignore them, but those repressed emotions will eventually come back to haunt you later on when they're triggered, just like my need for stability was. Additionally, going to therapy puts things into perspective. I know I have played a situation or problem in my mind millions of times and tried to make sense of it or thought that it was a bigger deal than it was. However, talking to someone helps you wrap your brain around it to overcome it. I think the best reason to go to therapy is its support. Going to therapy has allowed me to feel less lonely; It's comforting to know that I can talk about everything I'm going through once a week and receive support. Therapy helps people identify the negative thought patterns they fall back on habitually – which are no doubt wired into the brain like deep ruts – and replace them with new and more positive mental habits. Finally, one of the biggest reasons I'm such a huge advocate for therapy is because the best thing about dealing with your stuff is that, if you have kids, it helps you teach them a better way. For those who grew up in households where stuff just wasn't talked about, look how we're still dealing with the fallout of that method. People are starting to open up more about their struggles and mental health issues. The stigma seems to be fading, if slowly. I encourage everyone to go for it, consider it, or talk to friends and family about it.

A year ago, I was at rock bottom. I had no hope, I was suicidal, and I had no self-esteem. Today, I finally feel like myself again, but a better version. I've grown in so many ways; I am emotionally intelligent, I have hope for an amazing future, I have proven myself professionally, and I have surrounded myself with people that make me better and that I finally identify with. The biggest takeaway from this past year has been that everything does get better. But I know that if someone had told me that a year ago, I wouldn't have believed them. This is why I am forever grateful for the people that pushed me and why I am incredibly appreciative and proud of my strength and resilience this past year. I know I have a lot more to learn and that a year from now, I will be a different person, but I can't wait. I encourage everyone to speak up and keep an eye out for their loved ones and support them because sometimes all anyone needs is someone to tell them that they're appreciated and loved. And to those struggling, look for that one thing that you want more than anything and push yourself to get there because, in the end, it will be worth it.