Dark Skinned Indian Girl

I chose to study abroad this semester to get away from the bubble that is Central Jersey and Rutgers. For most of my life I have been around people that look like me. I was tired of the denial and lack of awareness that many kids of my upbringing were guilty of. Right before I left, I had been pushed to the edge and was more than ready to leave. However, now that I look back, I almost feel regretful of not noticing my privilege more. For I've never experienced any racism/and or ignorance nor have I ever experienced the flaws in the system first hand.

I've always known that I wanted to study abroad. I grew up living in different countries and I have a great appreciation for cultures. I spent a lot of my academic years learning Spanish and falling in love with the language. I always knew I wanted to come here to Spain and get immersed in the culture and truly learn the language. As a person of color traveling in Spain, an overwhelmingly white country, I would naturally expect to face racism interpersonally and systemically.  What I did not expect, however, was to confront 'homemade' racism imported from the United States. Specifically, I did not expect to face racism from the small group of American students (seven in total) that came with me on the trip. I'm used to stares and looks and colorism having lived in India, but never in my life have I experienced micro aggressions and white ignorance and privilege to the extent that I did. At first it was easy to ignore but as time went on it got more and more infuriating. What made it worse was the enabling - for I believe enabling excuses such behavior. I believe that in order to make a difference people should be called out and advised to examine their privilege and ignorance. Under no circumstances should it be something that should be brushed off with a "you didn't know," or a "you didn't mean it."

Naturally, as the confrontational person that I am - after 3 weeks of traveling around Spain, I wrote a message to the 3 people that were complicit in their ignorance and privilege. My intention with this was to address it on my own, not having to get others involved. My intention was to allow them the opportunity to explain where they were coming from and apologize for their actions. My upbringing in an overwhelmingly liberal area with mostly POC, allowed me to expect them to respond just as I had intended. However, funnily enough, they tattled instead and ignored my message. The original perpetrator of the racist comments and micro aggressions was kind enough to message me separately with an apology the next day (hopefully it was genuine). One of the enablers, made it clear from the very beginning just how big his ego is. I preface the next interaction with this observation for a reason. I went to dinner with the 3 friends here that I befriended and that supported me from the start. This (white) boy thought it would be appropriate for him to sit with us (knowing that he had not responded or acknowledged my feelings as a person of color who had felt disrespected). Naturally, over the course of dinner I grew angrier and angrier as he overcompensated by being overtly friendly with my friends. Unfortunately for him however, we could see right through that. I then confronted him and he refused to converse with me, instead putting me down by referring explicitly to my race. He used words and phrases like “immature,” “don’t pull the POC card,” “putting on a show” and referred to my message as “slander” (I know, WILD). He didn't even give me 24 hours to process my emotions before he approached our friend group again rather snidely to satisfy his hero complex. His reaction genuinely made me feel unheard and belittled. Being around people that consistently cross boundaries in this way makes me feel disrespected, unsafe and uncomfortable. Because of the events that had occurred, my ability to appreciate this study abroad experience had been irreversibly impaired. In fact, this had disrupted my experience to such an extent that I seriously considered leaving the program prematurely.

I am one to always call others out and try my best to ensure that the consequences that need to occur will occur. As a result, I sent a message to the three of them. For I thought that would be the best way for me to reach out without getting overly emotional or saying something I would regret. I also did what was right for me at a time of extreme emotional taxation. After the boy's disrespectful and immature response I thought it would be best to write to administrators (white administrators). It was rather naive of me to think that that would achieve anything - to think that any justice would be served. Rather I received responses of sympathy explaining why the others wouldn't respond and why I should just take this as an opportunity to "grow." It wasn't until that moment that I truly understood how it works. Maybe I should've listened to my father when he said it's not an offense unless I've been called a racial slur. Nevermind that I've been put on display, and had my dignity stripped away from me from a misogynistic racist asshole. Only I will have to deal with the consequences and only I will have to spend more and more hours in therapy trying to make sense of how the world works for POC and women.

But nevertheless, I'm going to stay for the experience that I came here for. I refuse to let my experiences with 2 people ruin something I've been waiting years to do. I'm excited to make more international friends and experiences while I'm here. Although this shouldn't have been my experience, I believe everything happens for a reason and I'm lucky enough to experience different things to make sure I am a well-rounded individual.