Junior Year

I am currently sitting in bed with a really low pulse ox level, a sinus infection, and my ear has been gurgling for like 2 weeks. But I've been sitting in bed for the past like 4 hours reflecting on another academic year. When I graduated high school, if someone told me how insanely and drastically my life would change in just 3 years, I would not have believed them. More than anything, I think the biggest thing I was able to learn this year was understanding both sides of a story. This key skill has helped me so much in my recovery, because it starts getting easier to let go and to forgive when you understand why things happen.

I started off junior year with my best friend Raj and my boyfriend Shaunak, following the roughest year of my life. I had gone through some major changes in my social life (I'm not gonna go too much into that, you can read my past blog posts). When I look back to the last semester, I can't believe how different it was from this semester, in so many ways: socially and mentally. I spent a lot of last semester living in fear and resentment of my past life and those that composed it. Even worse, I struggled with and arguably damaged so many of my present friendships because it was hard to move forward with constant reminders of my past. By the end of the semester I had parted ways with yet another important friend, and rather unexpectedly, and by no choice of my own. Nevertheless, it sparked my entrance into the world of self help books, gratitude, affirmations, and yoga. As expected, that lasted all of 2-3 months, however when I have the discipline I hope to reenter that world. Anyways, following winter break, school had once again begun, and I was faced with another loss of friendship. This was one was more confusing and even more out of the blue than the last. For a while I entered this hole and spiraled, thinking of all the things that were wrong with me and others and my doomed fate at Rutgers. For it felt like I was stuck in a toxic environment filled with people that were somehow connected in every which way. It felt like I couldn't escape central jersey and my past and that I had no room to grow.

Then came spring break, which to me was a pivotal point in my life. My confidence in myself and who I was came back, and I was able to bring back parts of my personality that I had missed. I laughed more, I danced more, I goofed off more, and I let myself be myself unapologetically. As the semester went on I grew closer to my friends, took advantage of being a college student, and just enjoyed life. As I heard about their experiences and their lives it became easier for me to see different sides of different stories and place myself into the shoes of people from my past. It was very eye opening and it allowed me to let go of my anger and hatred. Here are the biggest things that I learned as a result:

1. The amount of people that actually go to therapy or acknowledge and address their feelings is very low. We still live in a world where mental health has stigma. To be honest, there aren't many people that are emotionally intelligent. We don't know how to deal with our feelings of insecurity or anger or anything. So we project, we project onto our friends, our parents, our significant others, and even onto ourselves. We self-sabotage.
2. We all make decisions for ourselves that will benefit ourselves. Sometimes, we want to think of others sometimes we can't. But in the end we all make decisions that we think are best for ourselves, no matter the consequences.

I don't hate the friends that lost me or the friends I walked away from because we all did what was best for ourselves. We all have our own insecurities and ways of dealing with emotions. For some it means bottling them up until they explode and for some it's easier to talk about every little thing. Now, I'm not excusing any wrong that was done to me. I was wronged, and I was hurt, and I suffered for a long time and I still am sometimes. But my point is no one was actively trying to hurt anyone. I'm sure if the people in my past knew I would attempt suicide they wouldn't have done what they did. We're all just trying to make the right decisions for ourselves. We have the power and freedom to make choices. We might regret some of them but thats human and normal. We're not going to get everything right, but they are our choice, ours to learn from, ours to enjoy, and that has value because you chose it.

I feel like I can finally move forward having made this realization. It's crazy how much you can continue to grow and learn from certain situations and I'm so glad I was able to. It's embarrassing to say but so much of my past lives in my head rent free. Some of that is attributed to the environment that I'm in. But I am finally at a place where I am putting myself first, and setting boundaries with my past and finally letting go of anyone that doesn't push me to be a better person. I'm no longer trying to make everyone happy, but rather just focusing on myself and being strict about what I deserve. But at the same time also learning to chose my battles and understand people. Shaunak once told me that "we're meant to meet and forget 100s of people and that's the beauty of life. Friends change, and it's okay; it's a normal part of life." The friends I have right now might be completely different a couple months from now, but that's no longer something that scares me, or makes me feel shitty about myself. I am literally 20 years old, I have so much to experience and so many people to meet, and that's only a good thing.

I can't wait for what's in store for me and all the lessons I'm going to learn. The rest of the year is going to be amazing and I'm ready for everything, the good and the bad.