Intro: My Story

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE, EATING DISORDERS, AND SELF-HARM MENTIONED

I started struggling when I had to move to India in 7th grade. My dad got a job in Pune, Maharashtra and my entire family moved there as a result. This isn't the first time we've moved countries. In Kindergarten, we had moved to Singapore for two years. But I barely remember that; I was just a kid, and my brother was a newborn. Although, I remember acting out a bit: running away, stealing money, being sassy, etc. I was born here in New Jersey and have lived in South Brunswick my whole life, minus the four years I was in Singapore and India. So, when my father said we were moving, I wasn't so thrilled about the news. I had friends here. I had just started middle school and I believe middle school is a critical part of your development. It's the "puberty era," I was worried about things like boys, and all the hormones and stuff had just begun acting up. I took the move pretty hard. For one, I didn't know the language. I'm from Kerala, and my family speaks Malayalam. Being Malayali, most of my culture is very different than most of India. I eat beef, I'm darker as I am South Indian, and my family doesn't celebrate as many Hindu holidays as most Maharashtrians do. Here I was, in a North Indian state, with little to no knowledge of Hindi. I went to an International School, so luckily, the school wasn't too much of a transition, and we got two break periods instead of one, which was very clutch also. I also didn't struggle to make friends for the most part, but I found myself feeling out of place and missing home. I remember getting laughed at for my accent or getting bullied for being too dark. One girl even said, "you're not Indian if you eat beef." Overall I struggled greatly with the cultural transition of moving to a completely different country. It was in 7th grade when my depression truly started, or at least I think so. I had started cutting myself to punish myself for the way I behaved or felt, and I was constantly mad at my parents for making us move. Nevertheless, by the end of the year, I had made some really good friends and memories. By 8th grade, I had solidified my friend group, and I had even started dating a boy. Things were looking up. I picked up a bit of Hindi, I got used to the culture, and I even enjoyed it. I enjoyed going out with my friends and participating in Indian holidays. Especially Holi. Holi in India is AMAZING, and nothing can top that experience. It is so much fun, and I found myself stained by rangoli weeks after. I felt like I had finally made a home. And then, oop- my mom said we're moving back for high school.

I had to break up with my boyfriend, say goodbye to my friends, and all the connections I made. I was devastated. We moved back to the U.S., and I was supposed to start high school soon. I suffered from more depression and anxiety. As a result, I once again resorted to self-harm and now food. High school made everything worse. All my friends from 6th grade had formed their cliques and gotten closer to one another while I was gone. I was afraid people thought I was a FOB and didn't want to be friends with me. I would indulge in food when I was stressed. I quickly gained around 30 pounds in just a few months. I hadn't noticed or didn't think much of it until I started being bullied by family friends. I was often asked why I had gained weight. Aunties would say things like "don't eat too much," "you're so fat" (as a joke, although it wasn't too funny), "are you really going to eat that" and so much more. I quickly became self-conscious and would stay up crying, thinking about the words of these family friends. The summer before my sophomore year, I started working out and dieting. I did several fad diets and fasting techniques. The seven-day diet required me to eat only fruits one day, only veggies one day, and so on. I also started counting calories and getting obsessed with the amount of food I would eat. When the school year started, I joined the track time. Before long, I was eating one meal or less and running 3-5 miles every day. I remember eating only one grape one day to fit into a lehenga for Garba so that I wouldn't get bullied by aunties again. They praised me for my sudden 30 lb weight loss, and I failed to see how dangerous what I was doing was.

Sophomore year was also a great year for me socially.I reconnected with an old friend, and I had a more solidified group of friends, and I was even meeting new people! The following year (junior year), with the stress of SATs and applying to colleges, I once again gained 30 lbs and suffered from acne. Once again, I was bullied not only for my weight but also my acne now. Aunties would say, "if you watch what you eat, you won't get pimples." I was constantly stressed out and comparing myself to all my friends getting crazy good scores on the SAT while I struggled despite how much I studied. I thought of myself as naturally stupid and quickly became depressed. When I finally got a score I was satisfied with, I tried my best just to let it all go and stop caring about it all. This was just in time for senior year when I could finally relax. In the summer before senior year, I started taking care of my skin, eating healthy, and exercising. I lost 30-40lbs again—this time, however, it got to the point of obsession. I would only eat food that I made, and I'd watch the amount of oil that would go in, and if there were too much, I'd start freaking out. Whenever I ate, I felt like I needed to work out immediately. I worked out 1-3 times a day, sometimes as late as 2 am. I got very self-conscious and was never happy with how I looked. I would envy my friends that could eat whatever they wanted and never gain any weight. This was when I spoke to a friend (now my boyfriend) and realized that I had a problem. I was Anorexic. Until then, I had thought I was alone and that everything I was feeling was normal and that I had to deal with it. It wasn't until I started therapy that I realized I wasn't alone and that I should've gotten help for all my hardships. While it took a while, I was able to regulate my diet and exercise. But before long, anxiety about going to college had begun to hit.

Around February of senior year, I started experiencing depersonalization. Depersonalization is the feeling of being outside of your body. I felt like I was in a dream or as if I was high all the time. It was extremely uncomfortable and caused me to panic often. I still experience it today, I've just gotten more used to it. 2019 was one of the best and worst years of my life. I made long-lasting friendships and memories: prom, graduation, NYC trips, endless hangouts, eating out every day, and so much more. I started dating my boyfriend, Shaunak, and met my best friends, Anagha, Anushka, Isha, Shreyas, and Raj. But I also had to say goodbye to some of them when college began and deal with the PTSD I had from moving to India and back. I was scared of being depressed again and entering a new environment without the people I cherished. But luckily, I went to Rutgers along with 200 kids from the senior class LOL.

College seemed to be another challenge in itself. Along with missing my friends, I was suddenly hit in the face with my future. Suddenly, I had to work on a resume, join clubs, network, find internships, and so much more. I thought I was falling behind the people around me. I tried out for a professional frat and didn't get in, and I thought for sure that would be the end. I was always stressed and comparing myself to everyone. I'd call my friends hundreds of miles away crying about all the stress and expectations I had on my shoulders.

On top of that, I didn't feel like I was doing my best socially. I was sticking to my high school friends bubble, and I had felt that I was becoming a different person with different priorities. I wasn't interested in going to too many parties or drinking that often like everyone else, and I often got annoyed by everyone around me. This was no one's fault, and I didn't think I was better than anyone or anything, but I just felt like I needed to branch out and find people that had similar values and priorities to me. In a nutshell, my first semester was just a big smack in the face that I was NOT ready for. Winter break was a great break, as all my friends had come home. I felt a little normal and felt like I could breathe again. I told myself I would go into the second semester with a positive attitude and try and branch out and look at different clubs. When the semester began, it started great! I went to club meetings, tried to meet new people, and celebrated my boyfriend's birthday. I felt like things were finally changing for the good. Aha and then- Ms. Rona

I can confidently say that quarantine and this entire pandemic has been the worst period of my life. In the beginning, my boyfriend and I had relationship problems. I struggled with motivation to do school work or stay healthy. I felt lost and lonely. I was getting tired and irritated by my family. When things started to ease up a little, I started seeing my friends more, and my boyfriend and I were able to patch up our relationship. But things still weren't normal. My depression got worse and worse. I began experiencing suicidal thoughts. I was getting stressed out about school and my social life, and just everything. I gained a lot of weight sitting home. My sleep schedule got extremely messed up. Some weeks I would sleep at 7 am and wake up at 3 pm, and others, I'd sleep at midnight and wake up at 7 am. I redid my room to create a new environment, but after some time, I just got tired of it again. My house and family started to feel like a noisy nagging prison that kept closing in. Everything feels like a mess. I can't concentrate on my school work, and quite frankly, I don't care about my school work. With each passing day in this pandemic, I feel more and more lost, and I lose the will to live. The cherry on top was a falling out I had with two of my best friends. Those two events pushed me over the edge. My self-worth and esteem just plummeted as a result. I had become even more suicidal. I was struggling with school work, and I fell behind with my internship search.

On top of that, I often got into arguments with friends over COVID safety and had to watch others be reckless on social media. Watching my friends live their life with no consideration for the consequences of their actions while I sat at home trying to be safe as my mental health deteriorated made me furious. I'd see people going out to restaurants, partying, and hanging out with multiple groups of people unmasked. It all just infuriated me and fueled my anxiety more. I find myself constantly downloading and deleting social media as a result. It's been shitty. I decided to take my mental health into my own hands, and I reached out to a psychiatrist and a new therapist. She put me on medication to control my depression and anxiety and gave me sleeping pills to help my abnormal sleeping schedule. Things have been a bit better, but still not great. A couple of weeks ago, I felt suicidal, and I was talking to my boyfriend around 2 am. He asked me to call the national suicide hotline, and they spoke to my parents, and I was taken to the E.R. to be evaluated. I'll go through this experience in more depth in a later post, but in summary, it was a traumatizing and terrible experience. After that day and that experience, I tried to change, and my parents also started to be more understanding, attentive, and considerate. This was also when I decided I wanted to do this blog and share my stories and thoughts.

I apologize for all the mumbo jumbo; but this is my story. Through this blog, I hope to touch on different topics and experiences mentioned, in more depth. I'd also just quickly like to say that I've seen everyone's true colors over the past year, and I was able to see who my real friends and family are. A special thank you to Anagha and Shaunak for being my rocks throughout this entire thing. I honestly don't know what I would do without you guys. They've helped me greatly, and I can't thank them enough. Especially Shaunak, I know it can't be easy hearing about your suicidal girlfriend's problems, but thank you for all the late-night calls and all the support and love. I love you guys so much.